Khans Retention Act of India!

India is under immense pressure to come out as a more secular country now than it ever was before. Oh boy, the pressure is so much that our judiciary system decided to rule in favor of a Khan under the herculean pressure of Khans Retention Act of India! I guess we are so scared now that our other two khans seem to have one foot each out of the country, we might run out of khans to display just in case if UN decides to ask their growth plan in order to derive at their pre-determined notion. 

Actually we have other khans too but it's just that their value addition individually or put together stands no chance against each of these 3 magnanimous Khandaans. Let's consider couple of them for a moment at least and then silently in our prayers later! 

Firstly Nawaab, he's like phantom and I guess,that's why he chose to do that movie too. Nobody knows him, nobody's seen him but we hear his stories now and then. We even tried to show our secularism by awarding him with one of the highest civilian awards but miserably failed to convince our own conscience. He bombs his own box office future and I guess, that's why he doesn't have a chance to blame it on anything or anyone. 

By the time this Khan aka Lunchbox Khan, delivers a dialogue our women can deliver 10 Nana Patekars who speak faster than a local train. If our Mr.India was not part of a few US projects, this khan would have surely been the Tom Alter of Hollywood. Since he shares negative vibes with his other lunchbox co-star, he doesn't get to blame anyone outside of that secular zone. 

Who else? I guess the rest of them are still in PIP or Nawab reservation category. They might be either regrouped under downsizing population or get undue advantage of their category. But we would still run out of Khan Growth Chart parameters if not for the famous trio.

 Incidentally all the Khans of Bollywood are married to women who are not from Khan families except for the one who fortunately escaped a jail term. That makes me think if they are hinting their in-laws' behavior or venting it out just to prevent washing their linen in public. Whatever the rubbish but it played in favor of this guy who now, should uphold how secular India is and blow its trumpets.

Vasudaiva Kutumbakam or Khaandan Kutumbakam???? I'm ok either ways because I'm that secular ;-) Right back at you Khans!

Finger in my nose and it glitters all the way!

Once a while the bout of craziness pressurizes you to do something out of the blue.From having lived a freakishly crazy life full-time in your 20s, it narrows down to a rare attack for a day or two once in 3 or 6 months depending on your sanity level fluctuation in your 30s. 

 There was once a time when doing crazy was, to go for a long drive in the middle of the night, sleeping under the open sky on the rooftop or taking to trekking. Oh boy, there was once a time like that, hard to believe for us in 30s, isn't it? Now it boils down to 'unfriend'ing someone you no longer want to put up with, eating a chocolate in the middle of the night or it may get as crazy as going to bed without brushing your teeth in the night. Oh boy, these are unbelievable too but not for 30s people!

Having two kids impacts your sanity levels to a greater extent and the crazy attack can get kinkier sometime like, it happened to me after Neil. Suddenly I decided to get a tattoo and got two of them when he was close to turning 1. Now that Aara is about to turn 1 in a few weeks, I felt the same rush and decided to get my nose pierced! Imagine, a woman who's about to be exactly middle aged in a couple of weeks soon after Aara turns 1, decided to pierce her buffalo skinned nose for some joy not known to anybody. Yeahhh, how crazy is that???!!!!!

Now, I had got my nose pierced twice before when I was in 20s and the gun-shot piercing with silver studs but somehow didn't do any good although the pain is less compared to the manual piercing. So, guess what? The full-of-joy-me decided to get it done in that old fashioned way to commemorate a decade of togetherness but 10 days in advance. As it happened, yesterday my husband was bitten by the same crazy bug that had bitten me a few days ago and he decided to take me to a Goldsmith. Oh my, it gets more interesting hereafter. 

 My goldsmith promised me that the pain would be 50% less if a local anesthetic gel was applied on the nose 15 mins before piercing it. I sat down in a corner of the jewelry shop on a Sunday evening when the business was in full swing, getting ready to display my adventurous side to everyone in plain view. When he handed me over the tube , I asked my husband to cover me from the crowd as I was asked to apply it over the nose and on the inside too and so he did. 

Now imagine, I'm sitting in a corner of the shop, on a stool facing away from all the people who were entering. I squeeze the gel onto my index finger and rub a little on my nose. Then I squeeze some more and start applying it on the inside. I looked up with my index finger inside my nose and what do I find??? Alas, there was a cctv right where I was looking and I still had my finger inside my nose. I'm not a 6 year old, not anymore that is, and I had my finger up my nose. When I pulled it out, my god , did it look nasty? I kept thinking about the guy who would watch that tape later or live,that exact moment while pulling my finger out of my nose. I tried to lessen my burden by sharing my embarrassment with my husband but he was no where to be found and my cover was blown! I'm sure that's not what I wanted to display in HD quality.

Sooner than later it occurred to me, 'you know what? joke is on that guy who is going to watch that tape or may be watching live'! Now imagine, if that unlucky person had a piece of roti in his hand and he had just dipped it in daal. What would his thoughts be when he pulled it out and about to put it in his mouth. I guess he might swear not to watch live or watch the tape while having his food or worse, he might get reminded of it every time he dipped his roti in daal.

Well, allz well that ends well. My husband got back after buying a nose stud for me and handed it over to the goldsmith. He sharpened the tip and pressed it hard on my nose where he had marked earlier and kept pressing until it made its way through my skin tearing it and came from the other end. The pain was 50% less alright but I'm scared to even imagine what could be 50% more than that!

 I was happy with the fact that it was done finally and looked into the mirror teary eyed. The stud on my nose shone and looked glittery through my welled up eyes. I wiped my tears to make my vision clear and looked into the mirror again but the glitter didn't fade, it looked even brighter. My husband whispered from over my shoulders 'It's diamond and I hope it's worth the pain' ! 

Bhaijaan Vs Filmistaan

In the middle of all this multi-crore movie club fracas there was a movie that won a Silver Crow Pheasant award and 60th National Film award in 2012 before it was released nationwide in 2014 for Indian audience. It didn't make much noise but it did provoke thoughts and touched hearts of millions of people. It's not about harmony across the borders, so to speak. But it's about different kind of people who live on both sides of the border. What they lacked was the absence of a superstar who could be allergic to acting, chiseled body with vacant expressions, some lame dance moves and a heroine as an arm candy to show off. 

Director Nitin Kakkar who also wrote the story of the movie I'm referring to here, stuck to the point minus all the glitter, glamour and soap like drama. He never released any franchise-able product to promote the movie (read mace like) or hashtagged  the #top politicians of both the countries urging them to watch what a lovely movie he's made to spread Bhaichaara(harmony),claiming how unprecedented it was. Neither did he show other super stars coming out of premier shows wiping their eyes. But one thing I guarantee, if you decide to watch this movie you will realize how meaningful the movie is and surprisingly entertaining. But who will listen to me unless I become a super star over night.

You know our superstar bhaijaan, who thinks, with his one movie he is going to open the eyes of people living across the borders and make them unite like the two brothers who were separated in a crowded British mela, should first pause for a second and set things right about the events of that unfortunate night and then do penance for his little hunting stunts. After all that, if he calls himself 'the only man with a heart' then it might begin to make some sense. People on the other side never learnt even after watching the videos of what their men did on 26/11 , they never learnt after the massacre of shooting school kids and here he is with his  bad acting, pathetic dancing and an average Bollywood movie but thinks he's going to change the hearts of all the people. 

But the movie I'm referring to 'Filmistaan' actually shows that there are all kinds of people. There are people on that side of the border who are sympathetic, kind, helpless and scared just like how we are on this side of the border. It shows people on the other side are wiling to help victims and their police brigade is also doing their duty to catch the ones who are threat to the society across borders. It still goes unnoticed because it only has a bunch of extremely talented but not-famous-at-all people who have acted amazingly well to spread the message. Loved the speeches by Nehru and Jinnah being played in the background at the end of the movie. That was a better gimmick than recording a song for Eid from a devotee of Hanuman just to attract his targeted audience. I mean really??? 

I loved this dialogue from Filmistaan " Socho Bhaiji, agar Dhoni Sachin Afridi and Inzamam sab ek team me hote to kaun hamhe hara saktha tha?" ("Think about this brother,if Dhoni Sachin Afridi and Inzamam were all to play from the same team, who could defeat us?"). But still it's not a match against the dialogues like " Hum Munni ko Pakistan chod ke aayenge bina Passport aur Visa ke"......whistle whistle, hoot hoot....!

Screw it, it's my choice !

A fashion and lifestyle magazine that tells the entire world how to sit , stand and bend (!) today preaches the world what choices a woman should have. Ironic, isn't it? The magazine which was found to target aristocracy is giving options so limited to empower women, huh? I can think of hundred other things a woman can and must do beside what's being lip synced by the celebrity women to showcase feminism.

Vogues has been nothing but a judging entity (ironic again? ) since its first edition. Have you seen a woman/ man whose vitals doesn't match the standard set by Vogue on its cover or inside the book? It talks about equality something which is never practiced in its entire history of editions. At Vogue, they loathe every woman who doesn't measure up to their FQs (FQ= Fashion Quotient, though I would love to use the abbreviation to mean something better) and they pit women against women just because they are not suitable for their cover page. 

Finding Fanny was an extraordinary movie, I should say so because it was beyond my capacity to understand the reason why he even made the movie in first place. Isn't that why these intelligent directors make movies, to bounce over the heads of average minds? If it succeeded then it was fantastic. I don't understand why even Rohit Shetty, Farah Khan and Sajid Khan type of people make movies. Since they meet the criteria I must infer that they are intelligent directors too. But Homi stands out, he did shoot a good video supporting women and feminism. I'm sure he would go miles ahead. Good career move Homi, cheers!!!

What I fail to understand here is, the women who are featured. There's nothing 'my choice' in their entire career. They wear what's handed over to them, they speak what's told to them, they behave as the director wants them to. Basically they live someone else's life through out but they still believe they are the brand ambassadors of feminism or the brand 'women' all over the world. Just because you are provogued (!) and they put you up to this, making 'women' a brand and offered loads of money to endorse them, it doesn't give you any right to unclasp your bra in public and say it's 'my choice' on behalf of all the women. Has any of them realized how women are treated in most part of the conservative world and the word 'equality' is looked at as a sin. Do you think you are helping them by talking nonsense? 

 There are people who want to talk about the right to be born, educated, given an opportunity to work at par with men, participate in sports and so on. But these people are not featured in any such videos and Vogue couldn't care less. Because these are not glamorous. They are not ready to shed clothes and mouth the words that some men want to hear. These people have a 'cause' unlike the image of hippies that vogue is portraying. Please it's not kibbutz you are talking about, is it? It takes two to tango and one to hang yourself. I better do a tango and that's my choice because I care all whom I love ! 

I saw Mr.God and no it was not Morgan !

It was one of those days that will never repeat itself ever again, it was the day I met the God ,Almighty. I entered the elevator and when it shut down I realized He was there with me. I was excited (naturally) and didn't know what to say but manage to blabber a lot of things.

I   : " Oh my God, it's you "
He: " Yes, it is me , milady"
I   : " Oh God, there are a lot of things I want to ask you but I'm still looking for words. I'm tongue tied. Oh wait, is that you ?"
He: " No milady, you are actually tongue tied, I'm not doing anything of that sort. But if you want to ask something, take a number and wait in the line."
I   : " Oh c'mon, you can't possibly say that".
He: " Why? Yes I can. There are a lot of people who are ahead of you in the line. "
I   : " Oh you actually mean I wait my turn"  I smiled. ( Anyway not my first time embarrassing myself,kinda used to it now ).
I   : " What are you doing here? If I may ask "
He: " Sure, you may " and he kept quiet.
I   : " No no, it's not one of those questions that I want to ask, I'm just making small talk".
(I thought I heard him say 'Oh God' but he denied).
He: " I'm busy, just doing my job. It's March and I have too much on my plate to complete before the year end".
I  : " Why do you keep it till the end then?"
(He shook his head in dismay).
He: " It's not me, it's you people who keep things till the end and then send out for me all at once. Sometimes each one of you call me 100 times a minute. I've failed to make you understand how the system works if they over load me. There's this one boy who fell asleep in the exam hall till it was time for the last bell and then woke up all of a sudden. He kept on calling me a million times but what could I do , you tell me?"
I  : I ??...hmmm ,errr...
He: " Ohh, get over, it was a moot question. If only any of you had an answer to that..." He sighed.
I decided to lift his spirits (???!!!) and tried the God-gifted (!) humor on him.
I  : " I can share your load that is if you let me. I know how to do it. I must have watched Jim Carry a million times."
He looked at me in disbelief and spoke slowly " Milady, no, I haven't bestowed any amount of humor on you, please don't try too hard and for God sake , don't exaggerate by saying 'a million times'".
I must have looked flushed but I still tried damage control by trying my luck again. " But you used 'a million times' when you were referring to that student in the exam hall." and I winked ( My God, I did. Couldn't I control my eye lids?)
He : " I can say anything I want. Milady, let me remind you, it works one-way only and I'm not Krishna though it was one of my past lives, so please don't wink at me. I may not mind but people easily take offense for doing it to the Gods. So please beware."
I murmured " That God Almighty was much cooler "
He: " Yes, that's because it's Morgan and he can afford to be cool when he's only pretending to be me but I can't because I have real responsibilities."
I  : " Ok, Mr.God. Now show me some magic atleast. I have heard so much about all such stuff."
Just when I was done saying those words, the elevator stopped. I was gay with joy. I looked at him clapping, "Yayyyyyym you did it".
He scratched one of his heads " No milady, that would be ,what you people call , load shedding and by the way, you guys make Morgan Freeman walk on the water but when it comes to real me, you expect an elevator magic?! "
I   : " Well then , show me your Viswaroopam? "
He: " You must be kidding. That will run into copy right issues. Watch it when it releases officially ". 
I pouted for a minute before asking him one last question.
I :" Why do you look so indianized?"
He: "If I didn't then you people will call me an outsider and give a run for my life. So when you are in Rome, be a Roman. Right? "
I : " Can I learn some of the things you do?"
He: "  What I do is for trained professionals only, don't try this at home or anywhere else. And by the way, don't you already have enough on your plate?"

That's all I saw before I woke up to my baby crying. 

God endorses Child Birth then what does Lucifer do?!

Elevators in our apartment seem to have a mind of their own. Sometimes they shut down by themselves and sometimes they refuse to open up and all we can do is 'wait'. One of those blissful moments opened the door to unlimited wisdom by our insightful house keeping personnel, Akmal bhai. 

Akmal Bhai to my husband : " Saar, madam delivered?"
My Husband (smilingly) : " Yes she did, last month"
AB : " Which baby?"
MH : " Baby Girl"
AB : " Good good saar. One boy and now one girl. Next you do one thing, have one more boy and a girl"
MH : " Why? How many do you have?"
AB : " I have one boy, one girl and again one boy one girl. See now that is perfect."
MH : " Perfect? Good for you Akmal but it's not in my hands" ( 'Hands' ? Of course not ! and 'perfect'? Even our perfectionist Amir Khan wouldn't know this definition of perfect).
AB : " Yes saar, it's not in our hands but it's how the God has designed. You should also ask for it".
   ( Value addition starts right from the God, designing the birthing order/platter !!!)

MH : " Are you still asking Him or have you stopped?"
AB : " For now I have stopped saar. I'm a poor man but I must carry on some duty towards Him, whatever I can. Having kids is my duty for Him."
MH : " Hmmmm" 

( Look what duty God assigned to Akmal bhai. The rest of us are so clueless about our duties but we must get a medal for doing it in spite not knowing.)

AB : " When you go up there, what will you answer if he asks why didn't you have one more boy one more girl?"

( And AB is so sure that that's THE question God will ask you when you go up there and IF you get to meet him?)

MH: " Huh...? yeah yeah, you are right. So how do you raise a big family?"
AB : " Now, see saar. We don't send girls to school, so I need to worry about my two boys and that's all. I will borrow money and get the girls married, 2 lakhs for each one. Then I will get my boys married and get dowry along with girls. Some 10 to 12 lakhs per son.After that I'll pay off the debt and live happily. See, no problem there. Problem solved. What say saar? "
MH : " Brilliant Akmal. " 

( I could see Mr.Amithabh Bachchan's ' Beti Padhao'( Educate Daughters) movement ,in the back ground,  collapsing like the twin towers !!!)

AB : " But saar, you will send the girl also to school, right? That's because madam also went to school. But saar that's not your fault, you do the right thing. Madam is good, it's just that she's educated, we should learn to ignore that. After all we live in the modern world , we should be at least that much broad minded."
MH : " Huh? Hmmmm...ok" 

By now my husband's one and only motive was 'how to rescue poor Akmal Bhai from me?'. He must have thought if I heard him talking like that I would reverse his duty towards God !!!!!

AB : " As long as God keeps giving us kids , we need to oblige by receiving as many as we could get. That's why our men are prepared right when they are born, you know what I'm saying. Every one should follow that procedure when boys are born , it makes obliging easy "

I'm curious to know which God went through the 'procedure' as he keeps tossing around babies world wide. (My God, just imagine or should I say 'Oh God, Oh God' ?!) 
If God is endorsing child birth then who runs the rubber companies ???? 
Now that must be Lucifer, isn't it??!!!!

P.S (or in other words, washing my hands off): Just so you all know, AB's unharmed and continues to work!